August 14 2017

The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

It went like this

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble and pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful..
These are truly the last days"

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a daydream or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it's full of blood

reflections on being a figure study model

August 3rd I go back to attempting my side gig in figure study modeling. About 2-3 years ago I was getting consistent work as a nude and clothed live model for Summit Visual Arts, The Florence Academy in Jersey City, Art Garage, and several others. I was grateful to find work in a field I am passionate about, but my gradual mental decline kind of stopped me from continuing to find work as one.

I finally contacted a few of the studios I was working with and finally got a date for Alan Browns weekly groups. They were great the last time I worked for them, so I am excited to be a part of it again. I feel like I’ve gained a few pounds since my tolerance for adderall has gone up ALOT, and my armpits are fucking shaved WHICH I MISS (weirdly). I personally thought it brought interest to the work and a little vintage Euro flair haha.



Anyhow, anyone whose interested in becoming a figure study model should use common sense and this book:


I bought it through Amazon way after I got into modeling in the first place, I just used it as a handy guide to reassure myself I was doing this right, as well as continuing a steady income and professionalism. Hopefully I can get back into this again, I really enjoyed it.


self-soothing the senses



My new medication is making me feel all sorts of bizarre (Concerta XR 37mg) and until I get back to my doctor in a week or two, I am trying to continue (or at least be SEMI-consistent) with this self-soothing routine. I’m keeping a couple things next to my bed to soothe the 5 senses, so here’s a list of a couple of things I’m keeping handy in case I start feeling a little dicey:



Keeping a basket of aromatherapy oils, and just a couple of salves that I find appealing.

1. Badger Sleep Balm: I’ve been a fan of Badger products quite a bit, and being their sore muscle rub is fucking awesome, I had to try their other products. I absolutley love the scent of lavender, I actually downright obsessed with it. My mom has HUGE lavender plants outside that fill the air as soon as I walk outside. I rub a little of this salve on my chest, under my nose, and temples before bed and it puts me right to sleep.

2. Witchbaby Perfume: I’m lucky enough to work for the company Witchbaby Soap in Roselle Park, NJ, so smell-therapy is fulfilled everyday haha. I bought this solid perfume back in March during Monster Mania. I really like the smell of sugar cookies and vanilla, which is comforting when I’m feeling shitty, so I like to keep it by my bed and open it up and pretend that I’m eating sweets which in turn would make me feel shittier…so YEAH this is better.

The other stuff like Tea Tree Oil, Tiger Balm, and the essential oils mentioned in my previous post I bought from amazon. The tea tree and tiger balm are mainly medicinal purposes since I get MASSIVE migraines. They smell terrible and strong, but help whenever I feel a migraine a-brewin.



Himalayan Salt Rock lamp. I love these. I got this one from my boyfriends dad, but I eventually want a collection of these, like the salt rock light basket/bowl, and candle holders.



Smooth beach rocks and my amethyst geode I got from my good friend Patricia for my birthday last year. I love taking a few rocks out and rubbing them, dropping them together, smelling the beach scent on them, and the coolness on my stomach when I’m feeling anxious.



As for taste, I’d like to add something aesthetic or cute on here, but really all I have is lemon Gatorade to keep my hydration levels up because I’m still refusing the necessary amount of liquids a day for some reason 😦 Usually it’s tea, but I don’t feel like getting up and preparing it, which is why my only nutrition today was an Ensure and cheese bagel bites, lols.


July 2017 musings

Listen to my July 2017 playlist

Trying out a new format for this blog that is more ‘mentally healthy’. I thought word vomit would help, instead it created a cycle of shit which I would very much like to end.

Instead, I’m very much into listing things lately in my physical journal, so I figured it would be fun to include my ‘currents’ on here (books, movies, etc). And as my mindfulness learning says, ‘one day at a time’. Anyhow, heres some current favorites for this month:


The only book I’m *attempting* to be consistent with is the CBT/DBT workbooks. Since I can’t find any appropriate BPD groups in NJ, me and Brian are trying our own personal 1 hour groups once or twice a week. So far so good, they’re easy reads and also include worksheets and interactive media if you register the book. They have a bunch of different self help books available at New Harbinger.


Among the changes I’m desperately trying to make this month, I’m also attempting a consistent self-care routine. Some of these products I’ve used for years, and some are new and quickly becoming favorites. Everything I use is absolutely cruelty-free, as I refuse to purchase otherwise. I’ve also become pretty minimalist when it comes to self care the past couple years. Aside from my splurge items I use strictly for my second job as a dancer (Lorac foundation/powder is life), I tend to lean towards an easy/budget friendly/convenient and effortless self care routine.

When it comes to drug store items, I always purchase either E.L.F, Milani, Wet n Wild, and Physicians Formula (all certified cruelty-free via Cruelty-Free Kitty). I could care fucking less over social media beauty hype, so I always do my research before purchasing any new products.

Heres just a few (from the top):

1. Beauty/Health:

Physicians Formula

I love love love Physicians Formula organic CC creams. Being that I need full coverage and color correction from acne scars, I feel that the Physicians Formula CC creams fit the bill without using any color correction/primer underneath. Since its hot as balls out and I just hate heavy makeup as is, the Work it! sweatproof version is awesome. I do change it up for winter, but I mainly stay within their organicwear line of products. I’ve also recently purchased their Bright Booster Elixer, which I put on before the cc cream, its a dry oil which gives a very subtly brightening effect, emphasize SUBTLE, my skin is fucked so it’s hard to tell a difference but it does seem to give my skins appearance a little luster. Lastly, I top that with their Murumuru butter bronzer, which smells heavenly, a little medicated Burts Bees lip balm and I’m good to go.


I recently found this stuff through Amazon. I’m always on the prowl for a good organic, flouride-free toothpaste that tastes good. I LOVE lemon, so decided to give this a try and have purchased it 3x already. Its def an acquired taste, and has a earthy gritty texture, but I really like it. I also buy my eco friendly bamboo handled toothbrushes through amazon, which are way cheaper than the shitty plastic drugstore ones, plus after a couple months instead of tossing them, I use the handles as garden labels.

2. Aromatherapy

The past year I’ve been really into using aromatherapy and natural oils for healing. Theres a bunch of different ultrasonic diffusers under $20 floating around, this one I happen to find at Target to try out last year, it hasn’t malfunctioned once and I use it almost daily. Eventually I want to invest in a bigger and spa quality version, but for now this works. The oils pictured I just bought today at bed bath and beyond. Using 20% off coupons these babies were only 3 bucks each! Looking up the company Natures Truth, they are certified organic and gluten-free, a plus!

3. Tea

For years I have been a devotee of tea, hoarding and trying countless teas. I’m getting a little tired of typing on my iPhone so I’m just going to list my three current favorites: Brutaliteas, Two leaves and a bud Genmaicha, and Traditional Medicinals Chamomile and Lavender.

I already feel a little goofy doing this but it was actually kinda fun haha.